How Drunk Should You Get at a Comedy Show?

Last weekend, I helped produce a Don’t Tell Comedy show at Hangout Lighting, a beautiful event venue that doubles as a custom lightbulb workshop. Yes, the combination is as awesome as it sounds. I didn’t host or perform at all, so I was in full producer-mode when three of the drunkest men I’ve ever seen posted up in the back row just minutes before the show started. Do you think they were good audience members? Let's find out!

After the third warning elicited no change in behavior, I went full dad mode, explaining that comedy show’s are “not your living room, you’re ruining the show for everyone else, and if I have to ask you again, we’re going to kick you out.”

To my complete and utter shock, this actually worked. These fine upstanding citizens remained quiet for the rest of the show, somewhat disengaged but overall pretty polite to the attendees in their proximity. Admittedly, they got up from their seats and went to the bathroom a combined seven times between the three of them, which I thought at first might be to visit the ol’ snow bank, but it turned out to be to vomit up the case and a half of High Noon seltzers they polished off before and during the show.

It reminded me of the time I saw Rory Scovel at South by Southwest in Austin. The show was held in a moderately sized black box theater with about 70 seats and was primarily focused on psychedelics. Stories of taking them, the science behind them, etc. Honestly more of a funny Ted Talk than a comedy show, but it was hilarious.

However, the person sitting next to me, in line with the theme of the show, had clearly taken either mushrooms or acid. They thought that this is very cramped, all black room where you have to be silent for 90 minutes was the best place to take a trip through the cosmos. Alas, she ran out of the theater after the first ten minutes.

This brings me to my point: don’t get too messed up before a comedy show. While these events are obviously a fun and exciting experience, they’re not music festivals, so imbibe accordingly.

Dad tips of the week

This week, we went to a birthday party that had a bounce house, pizza, and beer (for her, I would never); we visited our favorite indoor gym in Humboldt Park (RIP it’s closing next week); and we woke up hours and hours before the sun rise (Hatch Light incoming…)

• Go to the birthday parties. They’re not all going to be fun, but sometimes they’ll have pizza and beer and that’s pretty great. 🎂

• Don’t be too twitchy. My daughter has started waking us up in the morning by coming into our room and grabbing our feet in bed, which could be a recipe for a first lost tooth if we don’t stay calm. 🦵 

• Be the playful parent. So many of these events have parents on their phones and their kids immediately gravitate to us, because we’re actually playing. 🙂 

Cawley an Audible: The Case for Baseball

This week, my youngest brother Brian Cawley is taking over the sports section of Conor Intelligence in what will be a semi-regular segment whose name we workshopped for all of five minutes. Take it away, Brian!

“With March Madness in the rearview mirror, the sports world enters one of its many lulls.”

This is how my older brother described the months of April to September in the sports section of his inaugural weekly newsletter. But to those of us that keep to the Old Gods, this is far from true. During the Long Summer, the false idols of Lombardi, Stanley, and O’Brien wither and fade. Gone are modern niceties like salary caps, standardized playing fields, and spaced-out games. Come July, the Throne belongs to but one sport—a sport so old and steeped in tradition that some say it was played on the deck of the Mayflower itself. I am, of course, talking about baseball.

Now, I can hardly fault my brother for his sentiment: with its uniformed managers, persistent organ playing, and ritualistic stretching, baseball can feel like a vestige of a different time. Indeed, a baseball season is more akin to a dense novel than the hard-hitting, ten-episode TV series that dominate modern media. But like any good novel, the meticulous march through the pages of a baseball season engrosses fans in a way few sports can. Baseball is not a weekly respite from work or a flashy semi-weekly spectacle; it’s a daily grind that can have you beaming with confidence one night only to humble you with the doubt and angst of a devastating loss the next.

But a couple times a season, there’s a sense that one chapter of the season has ended and another has begun. These moments offer a reprieve from the daily march and provide an opportunity to step back from the trees to size up the forest. For the burgeoning 2025 Chicago Cubs, right now is one of those moments.

To be sure, this stretch has had its trials: a sweep by the Dodgers in Tokyo; the season-ending injury of ace Justin Steele; and six blown saves by the bullpen, including an eight-run meltdown against the Diamondbacks in late March. But whether these concerns prove to be season-altering issues or mere bumps in the road remains to be seen. For now, Cubs fans can rest easy knowing they’ve closed out the first chapter of their season in a far better position than anyone expected.

It may still be spring, but Summer Is Coming, and the Cubs are looking like a team capable of facing whatever terrors it may bring.

What I’m consuming this week

My wife understandably asked if I’m upset now that it’s over, but to make another Dexter comparison, this show couldn’t have gone on much longer without getting a bit stale. Granted, Joe Goldberg doesn’t have a sister to fall in love with, but still…

I bid you adieu!

No more keeping track of how many of these I’ve done, even though it’s easy to check!

Thank you for checking out the [REDACTED] edition of Conor Intelligence! Whether you’re a new reader or one of my dozens of moderately loyal readers, it means a lot that you’re taking some time to spend with me and my thoughts.

I’ll probably keep doing the whole “call to action” thing at the end too, at least for a little bit, because like that’s the point I think! So share and subscribe please and thank you! Yeah!